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And if you're thinking you're all high and mighty because you're not single and don't need this, well, goody goody gumdrops for you, but be a saint and share this shit with your single friends. Ten things to do when you’re creating an online dating profile: 1. Yeah, I know they say you’re supposed to be completely honest and crap but that’s bullshit. If I were completely truthful, I would have written: “I like cats, TLC marathons, The Bachelorette, eating Hershey’s syrup straight out of the bottle, putting on my fat pants the second I get home, and meat, sports and beer.” 2.

So yeah, I'm an F'ing expert on this subject and I'd be an a-hole not to share my brilliant wisdom with you.

” I don’t give a rat’s ass if Justin Bieber does it. Unless you ARE Justin Bieber and you’re reading this in which case, holy crap, Justin Bieber is reading my blog.

If you’re a guy, post a picture of yourself with a baby. Don’t write your profile like you’re writing a text message. Remember, you F’ing rock and someone would be lucky to find you. In which case I hope you find someone and they dump your ass and you cry. If you like this, please follow me on twitter and Facebook and buy my book when it comes out this October.

If you don’t have a baby, go to a park and ask a random stranger if she can take your picture while you hold her baby. Do NOT mention any of the following words in your profile: Marriage Kids Prison Blood Mommy The IRS Porn 4. ‘Cause this is the shit I used to read all the time when I was doing it: I love walking on the beach and going on vacations and seeing movies. And then I F’ing meet you and you’re like let’s go see some weird ass indie flick that’s in Swahili (Holy crap, I spelled that word right on the first try?!!! I don’t give a crap whether you look like Christina Aguilera 2011 or Christina Aguilera 2013. When someone types the word “u” instead of “you,” do you know what I think?

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